Unless you’re playing Who’s Hiding the Ecstasy?, I don’t think I’m gonna be able to make it. I’ve got plans.” Don’t married people know that the last thing a single person wants to do on a Friday night is play a nutty game of Yahtzee? I’d rather take a bubble bath with my father.

— Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler Quotes

Why anyone needed to hold her breath above water was beyond me, but when I make things up, I rarely have a filter.

— Chelsea Handler

We agreed on the basic Brazilian – right after I downed a Vicodin. I don’t know who thought up waxing, but it was clearly the same person who invented Vicodin. Finally, the Tuesday of my.

— Chelsea Handler

Cocktails should be cold. Cubes. Plural. Not the rapper.

— Chelsea Handler

There’s nothing more annoying than a man ordering wine at a bar when you’re not eating.

— Chelsea Handler

Death is agony. There is simply no other way to describe it. It is getting the wind knocked out of you over and over again, and just when you think you have enough strength to take a deep breath, it knocks you down again. There is no break from the pain. It is arduous, unyielding.

— Chelsea Handler

Sometimes I just have to rock myself back and forth and say, “You’ve offended so many people at this point. Don’t try to keep track now, girl.

— Chelsea Handler

I’m loud and brash. Certain people find that off-putting. Most straight men find that off-putting. This isn’t hard for me to understand. Why is it hard for you to understand?

— Chelsea Handler

I wanted to learn how to forgive.

— Chelsea Handler

The thought of giving up alcohol crossed my mind too, but I was soon reminded of the promise to Ketel One, Grey Goose, and other top-shelf vodkas that I had made in my early twenties. Never turn your back on someone who has asked nothing in return.

— Chelsea Handler

Hilarious, insightful, and smart. A must-read for anyone who wears clothes.

— Chelsea Handler

So you’re a comedian,” he said. “Tell me something funny.” “Okay. The great thing about being an alcoholic is that when you’re bored at a party, you can leave without saying good-bye, and people just think you blacked out.” “Are you an alcoholic?” he asked me. “That’s not really the point,” I responded. “And I don’t like the word ‘alcoholic.’ I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

— Chelsea Handler

There’s nothing worse than ruining a perfectly good moment by thinking someone else will find humor in something they absolutely do not.

— Chelsea Handler

Obviously, there are other factors, such as nature and nurture, along with all of the events that happen throughout your early childhood and throughout your life that will shape who you become as a person,” he said. “But that anger, sadness, or fear will remain deep in your subconscious, and will dictate how you react to things in your life that don’t go as planned.

— Chelsea Handler

He told me that people whose default is fear tend to second-guess everything they do. They tend to be indecisive, and many end up leading very safe lives. They are not interested in risk or adventure –.

— Chelsea Handler

He was the only person in my family who understood that I was born going through menopause, and that whenever I ate soup, I had to take my top off.

— Chelsea Handler

That’s what death is like, though. You can’t only cry for two weeks straight. You cry, and then you get tired of crying, and then someone says something, and then you’re all laughing, and it feels bad to be laughing, but it also feels so good. Without the laughter, we’d all be dying too.

— Chelsea Handler

Go after happiness like it is the only thing you can take with you when you die.

— Chelsea Handler

Sisters. Only a sister knows how to comfort a sister. Period. End of story. Men can give us a hug or pat us on the back, but only a girl will get another girl off her feet to face the rain.

— Chelsea Handler

Real generosity is also showing up when you don’t feel like it – sacrificing your own happiness in exchange for someone else’s.

— Chelsea Handler

Treat yourself the way you treat the person you love most in the world. Get on your own team.

— Chelsea Handler
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