Secret of Adulthood: Make sure the things we do to make ourselves feel better don’t make us feel worse.
You’re not happy unless you think you’re happy.
One of my Secrets of Adulthood is that we’re more like other people than we suppose and less like other people than we suppose.
Feeling right” is about living the life that’s right for you – in occupation, location, marital status, and so on. It’s also about virtue: doing your duty, living up to the expectations you set for yourself. For some people, “feeling right” can also include less elevated considerations: achieving a certain job status or material standard of living.
Being taken for granted is an unpleasant but sincere form of praise.
By doing a little bit each day, you can get a lot accomplished. We tend to overestimate how much we can accomplish in an hour or a week and underestimate how much we can accomplish in a month or a year, by doing just a little bit each day.
When money or health is a problem, you think of little else; when it’s not a problem, you don’t think much about it. Both money and health contribute to happiness mostly in negative; the lack of them brings much more unhappiness than possessing them brings happiness.
Every time you break the law you pay, and every time you obey the law you pay.” Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels, we all must grapple with the consequences of our Tendency – with its strengths and its weaknesses, its foibles and its frustrations.
Something that can be done at any time is often done at no time. Do it now, or decide when you’ll do it.
What we assume will be temporary often becomes permanent; what we assume is permanent often proves temporary.
As I listened to this exchange, suddenly I realized that the word listen was just a rearrangement of the word silent – remarkably apt.
The more we notice, the more we can enjoy.
Over the years, I’ve learned that it’s important that we give ourselves treats – which may sound self-indulgent or frivolous, but it’s not. When we give more to ourselves, we can ask more from ourselves. Treats help us to stick to challenging goals, resist unhealthy temptations, and shrug off small irritations. When we don’t get any treats, we can begin to feel burned-out, depleted, and resentful.
Laughter can make us happier, and it can also make us healthier. It stimulates the heart, lungs, and muscles; cools down the stress response; helps us stay alert; improves the immune function; and relieves pain.
Surprise stimulates the brain, and research shows that people who do new things and visit new places – even something as modest as a trip to a new restaurant – tend to be happier.
I agree with writer Gertrude Stein: “Anything one does every day is important and imposing.” I love repetition. Doing the same thing over and over makes me feel grounded in my life and makes my actions feel more meaningful.
For instance, studies show that when mothers listen without offering advice or criticism while their children explain solutions to problems, the children markedly improve their problem-solving ability.
This interest in pattern and surprise gives us our love of both familiarity and novelty. When we experience something familiar – a song, a favorite snack, an episode of The Office – our brains process it more easily, which may make us like it more. Nevertheless, to enjoy ourselves, we usually try something new. Novelty is more work but also more interesting, which is why new forms of music, art, and fashion catch our attention.
The main purpose of laughter is to bind people together; it’s a social sound that’s meant to be heard by others, to create engagement. We’re far more likely to laugh when we’re with other people, and when we’re with friends rather than with strangers.
See something once – really see it – and it never looks the same again.
Enthusiasm is more important to mastery than innate ability, it turns out, because the single most important element in developing an expertise is your willingness to practice.