If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
The best thing about being dead is that you don’t know about it. It’s like being stupid – it’s only painful for others.
If you try to please everyone you’ll please no one.
It always comes back to us – why are we here? Well, we just happened to be here, we couldn’t choose it. The chance of us being born – that sperm hitting that egg – is 400 trillion to 1. We’re not special, we’re just lucky; and this is a holiday. We didn’t exit for 14 and a half billion years. Then we got 80 or 90 years if we’re lucky, and then we’ll never exist again. So we should make the most of it.
Here lies Ricky Gervais: He had a laugh then found a lump.
Basically, you deny one less God than I do. You don’t believe in 2,999 gods. And I don’t believe in just one more.
Saying atheism is a belief system is like saying not going skiing is a hobby.
Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.
Life is an amazing gift, but it’s only a gift if you’re able to enjoy it.
It annoys me that the burden of proof is on us. It should be “You came up with the idea. Why do you believe it?” I could tell you I’ve got superpowers. But I can’t go up to people saying “Prove I can’t fly.” They’d go: “What do you mean ‘Prove you can’t fly’? Prove you can!
Humanity Is A Plague. We’re A Disgusting, Narcissistic, Selfish Parasite, And The World Would Be A Better Place Without Us.
We’re All Screwed Up In One Way Or Another. It Sort Of Makes You Normal.
Well, I think life is precious because you can’t watch it again. I mean you can believe in an after life if that makes you feel better but once you realize you’re not going to be around forever, I think that’s what makes life so magical.
If you can laugh in the face of adversity, you’re bullet-proof.
You can laugh at bad things without being bad people.
Screw it. I’ll be in my Mansion soon.
PC culture isn’t killing comedy, it’s driving it. As it always did.
I believe the greatest privilege in this world is to use your freedom of speech for those who have no voice.
I’d rather be no where without her than somewhere without her.
I don’t miss doing things with her. I miss doing nothing with her.
Science makes us understand how to stay alive longer – feelings give us the reason to want to.