Proactive boundaries go beyond problem identification to problem solving. Your child needs to know that in protesting, she has only identified the problem, not solved it. A tantrum doesn’t solve anything. She needs to use these feelings to motivate her to action, to address the issue at hand. She should think about her responses and choose the best one available.

— Henry Cloud

Henry Cloud Quotes

Mother Earth is not a machine.

— Henry Red Cloud

In many contexts, until we let go of what is not good, we will never find something that is good. The lesson: good cannot begin until bad ends.

— Henry Cloud

What reason, other than the fact that I want this to work, do I have for believing that tomorrow is going to be different from today?

— Henry Cloud

Make the endings a normal occurrence and a normal part of business and life, instead of seeing it as a problem.

— Henry Cloud

In the absence of real, objective reasons to think that more time is going to help, it is probably time for some type of necessary ending.

— Henry Cloud

When parents teach children that setting boundaries or saying no is bad, they are teaching them that others can do with them as they wish.

— Henry Cloud

Feelings signal our state of being. Feelings tell us how we are doing, what matters to us, what needs changing, what is going well, and what is going badly.

— Henry Cloud

Edmund Burke, “All that is needed for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.

— Henry Cloud

One of the worst things you can die with is potential. Die with failures before you die with potential.

— Henry Cloud

Controllers can’t respect others’ limits. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives, so they need to control others.

— Henry Cloud

Each spouse must take responsibility for the following things: Feelings Attitudes Behaviors Choices Limits Desires Thoughts Values Talents Love.

— Henry Cloud

The bigger issue is that your character as a person works best when you are “integrated.” In my book Integrity, I talked about how the word integrity comes from the Latin word meaning “whole,” and how business and leadership work best when a person has an integrated or whole character. They are then running on all cylinders and are the same person on the job as they are at home. They are able to use all of their capacities in both places and accomplish their vision.

— Henry Cloud

The other thing that often happens in the ending conversation is that the ender runs into resistance from the endee and loses the verbal joust. Being more adept at the conversational dance, the endee talks the ender out of the ending.

— Henry Cloud

No real and deep change occurs outside of relationship and trust, for that is the place where the heart lives. People often say, “I know that in my head, not in my heart.” For the heart to know it, the heart must return to the vulnerable place where the rules were first written on it. Through this sort of vulnerability, it can learn new rules.

— Henry Cloud

We are in a constant position of being loved.

— Henry Cloud

It is one thing to have safety in relationship; it is quite another to be truly known and accepted in this relationship.

— Henry Cloud

The Bible teaches two themes throughout: the first is that we are created in the image of God and that we have incredible value. The second is that we are sinful and broken. There is the ideal, and there is the real. Both are true, and both need to be reconciled into a grace-giving relationship with God and others.

— Henry Cloud

Deep down inside, we all realize the difference between our ideal self, the imagined perfection, and our real self, the one that truly is. If these two battle each other, we will be in constant conflict. What we wish were true and what really is true will war with one another.

— Henry Cloud

Just as there is good time and bad time, there is good endurance and bad endurance. When we suffer, is the true self growing or is the false self just enduring pain? If we are on God’s surgery table in grace-giving relationships with our real self, time spent suffering will produce completeness; we will grow up, and we will experience changes that heal.

— Henry Cloud

Fear gets us in touch with our very real vulnerability, and it gets us in touch with our need for others and God. Many times people treat others very insensitively because they are warding off their fears of being vulnerable.

— Henry Cloud
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