What happened to you as an infant has a profound impact on this capacity to love and be loved.
In order to function socially, people need to develop what is known as a “theory of mind.
What we call “cuteness” is actually an evolutionary adaptation that helps ensure that parents will care for their children, that babies will get their needs met, and that parents will take on this seemingly thankless task with pleasure.
All of us tend to gravitate to the familiar, even when the familiar is unhealthy or destructive. We are drawn to what we were raised with.
Therapy is more about building new associations, making new, healthier default pathways. It is almost as if therapy is taking your two-lane dirt road and building a four-lane freeway alongside it. The old road stays, but you don’t use it much anymore.
My friend, the poet Mark Nepo, says that the pain was necessary in order to know the truth. But we don’t have to keep the pain alive in order to keep the truth alive.
Drugs and alcohol are not my problem,” he wrote. “Reality is my problem, drugs and alcohol are my solution.
You love others the way you’ve been loved.
Many of us found it harder to “fill up” during the COVID-19 pandemic; people reported more anxiety and depression, and many people used some of the less healthy forms of reward to fill that void.
What happened to you?” is so important in understanding what’s going on with you now.
Children, just like us adults, react badly to the unknown, to the strange and unfamiliar, especially when they themselves are trying to adjust to a new situation like the start of a school year.
This is one of the central problems in our society; we have too many parents caring for children with inadequate supports.
We have talked a lot about how the actions of caregivers influence the child, but it’s important to remember that those caregivers were also children influenced by their caregivers. The effects of trauma stretch far and wide across generations and across communities, and it’s important to always come back to our central question with compassion: What happened to you?
I’d seen common elements of healing practices – most prominently, the use of rhythm and an emphasis on harmony with nature.
Your past is not an excuse. But it is an explanation – offering insight into the questions so many of us ask ourselves: Why do I behave the way I behave? Why do I feel the way I do? For me, there is no doubt that our strengths, vulnerabilities, and unique responses are an expression of what happened to us.
Brain development is use-dependent: you use it or you lose it. If we don’t give children time to learn how to be with others, to connect, to deal with conflict, and to negotiate complex social hierarchies, those areas of their brains will be underdeveloped.
In older children and adults massage has also been found to lower blood pressure, fight depression, and cut stress by reducing the amount of stress hormones released by the brain.
While this doesn’t mean that smart children need less affection, it does suggest that if they are deprived, brighter kids may be better equipped to cope.
The protective effects of social connection were present even for individuals who were at higher risk for depression as a result of genetic vulnerability or early life trauma.
The most traumatic aspects of all disasters involve the shattering of human connections.
The most destabilizing thing for anyone is to have their core beliefs challenged. As psychologist Virginia Satir puts it, we feel better with the certainty of misery than the misery of uncertainty. Good or bad, we are attracted to things that are familiar.