A considerable period elapsed before I discovered one of the causes of the uneasiness of this amiable family: it was poverty, and they suffered that evil in a very distressing degree.
These were wild and miserable thoughts; but I cannot describe to you how the eternal twinkling of the stars weighed upon me, and how I listened to every blast of wind, as if it were a dull ugly siroc on its way to consume me.
Every thought that was devoted to it was an extreme anguish, and every word that I spoke in allusion to it caused my lips to quiver, and my heart to palpitate.
My warm affections finding no return... were forced to run waste on inanimate objects.
I was a solitary being, and from my infant years, ever since my dear nurse left me, I had been a dreamer.
My own spirits were high, and I bounded along with feelings of unbridled joy and hilarity.
It seemed to me as if nothing would or could ever be known. All that had so long engaged my attention suddenly grew despicable.
Sometimes I wished to express my sensations in my own mode, but the uncouth and inarticulate sounds which broke from me frightened me into silence again.
Man,” I cried, “how ignorant art thou in thy pride of wisdom! Cease; you know not what it is you say.
Frightful the storm which embraced the gallant vessel on its course and wrecked it-thus!
Oh, that some encouraging voice would answer in the affirmative! My courage and my resolution is firm; but my hopes fluctuate, and my spirits are often depressed. I am about to proceed on a long and difficult voyage, the emergencies of which will demand all my fortitude: I am required not only to raise the spirits of others, but sometimes to sustain my own, when theirs are failing.
But power, in all its shapes, is venerable to man. Awe, curiosity, a clinging fascination, drew me towards him.
And to my young heart the idea of death came for the first time blended with that of joy.
The words induced me to turn towards myself. I learned that the possessions most esteemed by your fellow creatures were high and unsullied descent united with riches. A man might be respected with only one of these advantages, but without either he was considered, except in very rare instances. as a vagabond and a slave, doomed to waste his powers for the profits of the chosen few!
You have suffered a land-, I a sea-wreck.
Was my dream but a mirror of the truth?
I feel a cold northern breeze play upon my cheeks, which braces my nerves and fills me with delight. Do you understand this feeling? This breeze, which has traveled from the regions towards which I am advancing, gives me a foretaste of those icy climes. Inspirited by this wind of promise, my daydreams become more fervent and vivid.
Revenge! – the word seemed balm to me; I hugged it, caressed it, till, like a serpent, it stung me.
I learned that there was but one means to overcome the sensation of pain, and that was death.
But is it not a duty to the survivors, that we should refrain from augmenting their unhappiness by an appearance of immoderate grief?