I don’t care how unkind the things people say about me so long as they don’t say them to my face.
I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.
Here is a pen and here is a pencil, here’s a typewriter, here’s a stencil, here’s a list of today’s appointments, and all the flies in all the ointments, the daily woes that a man endures – take them, George, they’re yours!
Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs.
Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is.
A bird in the open never looks Like its picture in the birdie books – Or if it once did, it has changed its plumage, And plunges you back into ignorant gloomage.
Poets arent very usefulBecause they aren’t consumeful or produceful...
But all ladies think they weigh too much.
Then blessings on thee, my afternoon torpor Thou makest a prince of a mental porpor.
One would be in less danger From the wiles of the stranger If one’s own kin and kith Were more fun to be with.
Another good thing about gossip is that it is within everybody’s reach, And it is much more interesting than any other form of speech.
O thrice unhappy home Whose master doesn’t know the difference between a watt and an ohm!
To love is an active verb.
A husband is a man who two minutes after his head touches the pillow is snoring like an overloaded omnibus.
But children, hark! Your mother would rather, When you arrived, have been your father.
The old men know when an old man dies.
When a lady’s erotic life is vexed God knows what God is coming next.
Neath tile or thatch That man is rich Who has a scratch For every itch.
One bliss for which There is no match Is when you itch To up and scratch.
A cough is something that you yourself cant help, but everybody else does on purpose just to torment you.
If called by a panther, don’t anther.