I’m not here to affect you politically or socially. I’m here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.
When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you’re in business, buddy!
Can’t wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it’s taking to VOTE.
Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn’t be learning respect for authority, they’d be learning logic.
I didn’t realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessarily successful comedic choices.
It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.
Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.
Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it “The No Fact Zone.” Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.
It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that’s not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.
I’ve said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.
Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes’.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, I hope it lands on a philosophy professor.
I’d like to leave you with a bit of wisdom I picked up from a documentary I saw this weekend: Mad Max: Fury Road. All you young people really need to succeed in the future is a reliable source of fuel and a fanatical cadre of psychopathic motorcycle killers.
I don’t actually believe that the present social norm is some sort of eternal truth.
If God wanted us to get high, he’d have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked.
Librarians hoard the wisdom of humanity. They are the keepers of all knowledge, the guardians at the temples of understanding and devoted protectors of the sanctuary in the midst of uneducated anarchy.
But children are our future!′ Yes, but does that not also mean that we are their past? I don’t understand why we’re helping them. You don’t see union factory workers throwing a benefit for robots.
At every moment, we are volunteers.
Maybe he’ll be different from who he was and always is.
Physics. Some say this science is fundamental; I say it’s a bunch of unnecessary regulations. Physics is the ultimate Big Government interference – universal laws meant to constrain us at every turn.