Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.
I’m writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It’s called: Stop Staring at Me!
I don’t mean to be gross, but the only time it’s good to yell “I have diarrhea” is when you’re playing Scrabble because it’s worth a shitload of points.
When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.
As a comic, it’s anti-comedy to be known. I think a lot of comedic actors get lost in this world of Hollywood and all this stuff. They lose what brought them there in the first place. I’m very trepidatious about it.
Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier.
It’s not good for comedy to be like, ‘Thanks for liking me.’ Being popular is poison.
Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they’re done towards yourself.
My comfort zone is press conferences.
American society loves to prop people up and then take them down.
I think those neighborhood signs that say ‘slow children playing’ are mean.
My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don’t really do a character thing in stand-up. It’s just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.
I think comedy does have that powerful thing that doesn’t seem too preachy because you’re also making people laugh, so it’s really kind of a good tool for messaging.
I know my face is turning red. I don’t want you to interpret it as being embarrassed. It’s rage. The color of my face is rage.
The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.
You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
When you’re doing standup you’re kind of doing, ‘Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.’
We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I’ve ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the ‘Girlfriend in a Coma’ is, like, really funny.
I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.
That’s one of the great things about comedy: we can – and should – say the things that other people aren’t supposed to say. If we didn’t do that, if we didn’t push against those limits, we’d just be standing around onstage and yelling.
It’s fun for me to couple emotion with comedy. I think it helps comedy. I think a lot of times American comedies don’t play on emotion too much.