We sat around the kitchen table picking off of foil-covered plates. Conrad kept sneaking looks at me, and every time I looked back, he looked away. I’m right here, I wanted to tell him. I’m still here.
Conrad nodded imperceptibly. “Now go back to bed like a good girl.
Come back. Be the you I love and remember.
I loved this drive, this moment.
He grinned at her which made me want to choke on my asparagus.
So I lay there, sweating and sizzling like a piece of chicken on a grill.
Compared to you, everyone else is saltines. Even Cam. And I hate saltines. You know that.
I didn’t want to see a mark on his face one day and not know how it got there.
There were times I feel left out anyway. Not in a romantic way, but a friend way.
I felt like the kid in the backseat who can’t hear what the adults are talking about, it made me feel a little but invisible.
Everything made sense in that moment. This was my chance to make things right with Conrad. The way I saw it, this was what I had been waiting for and I hadn’t even known it. It was like the last two months I had been sleepwalking, and now here I was, finally awake. I had a goal, a purpose.
Jeremiah turned his head toward me and winked lazily. “See you soon.
Jeremiah watched, bemused, but I could tell he was alert, ready to jump in if he needed to.
This moment between us, fragile and tenuous, snapped in half. It was over. It would do no good to wonder what he was going to say. Moments, when lost, can’t be found again. They’re just gone.
I felt like I had won the lottery from that one smile.
Conrad gave me this look, the kind of look I bet soldiers give each other when they’re teaming up against somebody else. It was like we were in it together.
Whatever love was, I was sure they had it. I thought they had it a million times over.
For my birthday that August, Conrad gave me a glass unicorn. Not the small one, but the big one that cost twenty dollars. Its horn broke off during one of Jeremiah and Steven’s wrestling matches, but I kept it. I kept it right on top of my bureau. How could I have thrown such a gift away?
I go wherever you go.
After all, why should a woman have to change her name for a man?
Looking up at him, I had this sudden thought. Oh my God. I still love you.