I struggle in these situations not to let my madness govern me, and to let the positive aspects of my character define my life.
This is complicated only in that most of us are quite divided, usually part of us wants to change a negative and punishing behaviour, whereas another part wants to hold on to it.
A life of bucolic wonder can become Apocalypse Now inside my mind. Even in my idyllic life with my dog Bear. Bear is enthusiasm with claws. We have a rowboat and I heap Bear in. The river is so alive with light and dark. On the surface light dances like spilt heaven and if you put your feet in, the sludge and slime feels like the ooze that we crawled out of. The whole spectrum is there, the river is the whole road, the beginning, the end, ever changing, ever present.
I have been raised an individualist; the recipe: doting mother, absent father, no siblings, highly alert, low self-esteem – an off-the-shelf cake mix for narcissists, dictators, kooks and crooks.
It was unfamiliar to me – girls being flirtatious – and initially I was frightened.
So we are not discussing whether or not debt cancellation is a possibility; we know it is, we’ve seen it, they’ve done it. All we are discussing is who it is possible for. Them or us. I’ve just typed myself into a revolutionary fervor again. Every so often the fury at injustice rises up in me and makes me want to smash something or burn something, but nothing in my immediate environment belongs to me so I have to refrain.
I am not dealing with the total of this man. Is one ever dealing with a total person?
Rituals are missing nowadays.
Death grip, by the way, is the literal translation of the word “mortgage.
I sought sanctuary in the twilight cemeteries entombed in strangers’ limbs.
If a conservative is a mugged liberal, a dad is a knackered Jesus.
This spiritual life, in the end it is not a choice, it’s what’s left when you run out of choices.
Invisible violence in Pakistan, violence against brown people, ongoing violence in Iraq – that’s got to be quantified in the same way as the cinematic glamorous violence that happens in recognisable cities.
How do you not succumb to base emotions?’ I asked him. He said: ‘When I feel jealous or prideful it reminds me that I need to move closer to God.
The reason I continue to is because they have awakened me to the impossibility of happiness based on my previous world view: that I am the centre of the world and that what I want is important.
Fortunately, both for you and me, I grew up to become a comedian and will make it as jolly as possible. In the words of Morrissey – “I can smile about it now, but at the time it was terrible.” I.
Like a world build around excellence at a niche bagatelle, or a dumb parlour trick, or board game; the masters of the universe are just experts at Hungry Hippo.
Like all forms of delusion the key is to let go of it before it lets go of you.
Perhaps if we spend time around positive people, being positive to one another, we can raise our common frequency as well as our individual wellbeing.
I’d gotten myself thrown into, then out of a drama school – ironically for being too dramatic.
I get prophetic flashes. There, I’ve said it.