Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
I’m old, I’m rich and I’m tired.
You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.
Economy is essential to all good art.
I see TV ads about detergents that can get blood stains out of your cloths. I say if you have blood stains on your cloths you should be thinking about something other than laundry.
The biggest laugh has to come at the end.
There is nothing more rewarding than completing a goal you have set for yourself.
I love the day date. No wine, no shower.
If you’ve got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
All magic is ‘Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.’
Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you’re comfortable with.
People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.
So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen, you see an eclair in the receptacle, and you think to yourself, ‘What the hell, I’ll just eat some trash.’
Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.
Artists are always looking for new things and fresh ground and fresh air. If it feels new to me, there’s a chance it’ll feel new to the audience and we’ll have found something.
For people on my side of the cubicle, the goal is always creativity. Spending your time overcoming corporate resistance to creativity – I just don’t want to do that.
I’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of.
Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill.
The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a chance to do what they do.
Having done quite a bit with studios and networks, I thought if I’m going to do something new and unformed, it would be fun to do it in a completely new space and place. The space being the Internet and the place being Crackle.
I only do a show when there’s somebody I want to talk to.