I don’t return fruit. Fruit’s a gamble. I know that going in.
Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you’re comfortable with.
So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen, you see an eclair in the receptacle, and you think to yourself, ‘What the hell, I’ll just eat some trash.’
Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.
Artists are always looking for new things and fresh ground and fresh air. If it feels new to me, there’s a chance it’ll feel new to the audience and we’ll have found something.
For people on my side of the cubicle, the goal is always creativity. Spending your time overcoming corporate resistance to creativity – I just don’t want to do that.
I’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of.
Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill.
The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a chance to do what they do.
Having done quite a bit with studios and networks, I thought if I’m going to do something new and unformed, it would be fun to do it in a completely new space and place. The space being the Internet and the place being Crackle.
I only do a show when there’s somebody I want to talk to.
Being funny is one of the ultimate weapons a person can have in human society.
Every other man is looking great saint after marriage.
Of course we all try and save time. Cutting corners, little short cuts. But no matter how much time you save, at the end of your life, there’s no extra time saved up. You’ll be going “what do you mean there’s no time?
Nobody cares about someone like me, because they don’t know the frustration that you feel when you have the solution, but you do not have the problem.
I remember thinking, “Well, but I wouldn’t have to be that funny anyway. I would just have to be funny enough to buy a loaf of Wonder bread and a jar of Skippy peanut butter a week.” I could easily survive on that.
Adulthood is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing.
Sometimes I want to go back to the old flip phone. One of those old-people ones that they advertise on TV with the giant buttons like floor tiles.
I love those small airplane bathrooms. It’s like your own little apartment on the plane. You go in, close the door, the light comes right on. It’s a little surprise part every time you go in.
The most annoying thing about the couple of times that I worked in office is that when you show up in the morning you say “hi” to everyone and then for some reason, you have to continue to greet these people all day every time you see them.
Friends, family, school, they were just obstacles in the way of getting more books.