Ask not what I can do for you. Ask what you can do for me.
I love the day date. No wine, no shower.
If you’ve got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
All magic is ‘Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.’
Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you’re comfortable with.
People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.
So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen, you see an eclair in the receptacle, and you think to yourself, ‘What the hell, I’ll just eat some trash.’
Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.
Artists are always looking for new things and fresh ground and fresh air. If it feels new to me, there’s a chance it’ll feel new to the audience and we’ll have found something.
For people on my side of the cubicle, the goal is always creativity. Spending your time overcoming corporate resistance to creativity – I just don’t want to do that.
I’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of.
Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill.
The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a chance to do what they do.
Having done quite a bit with studios and networks, I thought if I’m going to do something new and unformed, it would be fun to do it in a completely new space and place. The space being the Internet and the place being Crackle.
I only do a show when there’s somebody I want to talk to.
Being funny is one of the ultimate weapons a person can have in human society.
Every other man is looking great saint after marriage.
Of course we all try and save time. Cutting corners, little short cuts. But no matter how much time you save, at the end of your life, there’s no extra time saved up. You’ll be going “what do you mean there’s no time?
Nobody cares about someone like me, because they don’t know the frustration that you feel when you have the solution, but you do not have the problem.
I remember thinking, “Well, but I wouldn’t have to be that funny anyway. I would just have to be funny enough to buy a loaf of Wonder bread and a jar of Skippy peanut butter a week.” I could easily survive on that.
Adulthood is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing.