You will treat my underwear with the reverence it deserves. Next time, you will stop and appreciate – hell, you’ll marvel at the miracle of my ass clad in silk.
It took me awhile to learn the rules. OK, it took the librarian in me weeks of careful obsessive research to learn the rules. There was a label maker involved. I’d rather not go into it.
Did I just get psychically pimp-slapped by a little old lady?
If I had a nickel for every time I heard the words ‘I don’t want to ruin our friendship ’ I wouldn’t be driving a car with an ominously flashing ‘check engine’ light.
Tell them you’re pregnant with a married minister’s baby, then say, “Just kidding! I’m a vampire,‘” she suggested.
I wonder if it would be unethical for me to turn James Marsters? And then force him to fake the Cockney accent? And then make him my love monkey?
Did they make Adam’s apple porn? Was that a thing? Would I be scarred for life if I Googled it? And if I couldnt find any pictures, could I take my own?
Look, over the years, my unique sense of humor and perverse grasp of honesty may have led to some hurt feelings and long-held grudges. But overall, I’m a pretty likable person.
Leaving knots untied and scattering seeds to distract them will only work on vampires with OCD.
I look like Barbara Bush in drag.” Aunt Jettie.
Idiot,” I said, before grinning broadly and crushing his mouth to mine. “We need to pick new pet names for each other,” he muttered as I hefted myself up from the ground.
The fact that I could correctly make a reference to the Borg was probably part of the reason I was not being accepted into the Collective.
My mother had spent one hundred dollars on shipping to send me cookies, antimeat propaganda, and laxatives.
Besides if we went to jail I would sale you for cigarettes.
I am a disaster magnet. I came home from our first anniversary vacation with jellyfish stings, a puncture wound from a wrought iron pineapple and a cork-shaped bruise in my cleavage.
If you want to hurt me, fine. Take my books. Burn down my house. Shave my head while I am sleeping. But nobody, nobody screws with my dog.
Contrary to popular myth, werewolves myth, werewolves are born, not made. No matter how many times they bite someone, that person will not turn, though they will probably bleed profusely and will definitely be annoyed.
You can take the girl out of the library, but you can’t take the neurotic, compulsively curious librarian out of the girl.
Vampires have bright eyes glistening white teeth unnaturally smooth skin and a certain animal magnetism. If they aren’t pretty they starve. It’s sort of like life in Los Angeles.
The brain may die, but my compulsion for useless trivia lives on.
Wal-mart started selling “Vampire Home Defense Kits”, including holy water, crosses, stakes, mallets, and a book of quick blessings to bar vampires from your door. The fact that these kits were generally useless didn’t bother me nearly as much as the idea of holy water being sold at wal-mart.