I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about.
Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action because as a C student, he only got into Yale because his father was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is a menace and must be stopped.
The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party.
With the situation in Iraq growing ever more dangerous, the 34-member Coalition of The Willing are, one by one, dropping out to join the other coalition known as Most of The Rest of The World.
Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records?
President Bush announced we’re going to Mars, which means he’s given up on Earth.
What I like to do is come in, write the entire program and treat my staff to hot stone massages.
Typically, when you’re with your friends, premises are coming up left and right. But when you’re on stage, you must create the premise. So you have to create the premise, paint the picture and then deliver the punch line.
Being funny in life is a lot more like judo. It’s using the energy...
Doing stand-up comedy is in the middle of a traffic jam getting everybody moving again.
The beautiful thing about faking a news show is the topicality is delayed.
It’s funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what was out there. We were obsessed with the moon and whether we could one day visit it. The day we finally walked on it was celebrated worldwide as perhaps man’s greatest achievement. But it was while we were there, gathering rocks from the moon’s desolate landscape, that we looked up and caught a glimpse of just how incredible our own planet was. Its singular astonishing beauty. We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.
In fourteen hundred ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. Now, some have argued Columbus actually discovered the West Indies, or that Norsemen had discovered America centuries earlier, or that you really can’t get credit for discovering a land already populated by indigenous people with a developed civilization. Those people are communists. Columbus discovered America.
If your world does not include enough access to different people, and their world does not include enough access to you, you are speaking from ignorance.
The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous flaming ant epidemic.
And this, this, is their genius. Conservatives are not looking to make education more rigorous and informative, or science more empirical or verifiable, or voting more representative, or the government more efficient or effective. They just want all those things to reinforce their partisan, ideological, conservative viewpoint.
A Trump was a demon who sometimes appeared to us in quasi-human form in order to fire us from jobs we never wanted in the first place.
Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don’t have any of it right now.
People that worry about where they think they’re going next generally don’t end up where they think they’re going. I just worry about what I’m doing now and try to make it good. When you’ve got too much of a master plan, it’s going to fail.
Newspapers abound, and though they have endured decades of decline in readership and influence, they can still form impressive piles if no one takes them out to the trash.
I only quote Rabbinical text... there is no dark secret... there is no hidden agenda... I’m merely an arbiter of biblical law.