The worst years of my life were the first two years I was doing standup. You’re learning how to do, and you’re going on stage in front of two drunks and people aren’t laughing and you’re broke. That’s a really hard time in your life.
I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider – and also FOX News makes people stupider.
I don’t want to be a pessimist. I’m a realist. One man’s realist is another man’s pessimist.
There is no such thing as a moderate Republican anymore.
Disneyland’s a mess. And it’s not just the measles. Donald Duck has bird flu. Pocahontas has small pox. The Little Mermaid has crabs. And the Monorail? Mono.
Rick Santorum said this week that his 12-year-old could out-reason me about God. Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled 12-year-old. I have enough trouble with Sarah Palin.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Obama looks like he DOES need a teleprompter.
Gordon Gekko was right: greed is good. Because, the potty-trained Republicans have now stepped forward – like the Koch brothers – to say, ‘You know what? You yokels stop talking about defaulting on the debt, because I’m going to lose a fortune!’
I think the right-wingers have to buddy up to the fact that either the minimum wage has to go up, and people get enough money to live, or you’re always going to have people needing government assistance. You can’t have it both ways.
I love the Tea Party. They are the ultimate beer goggles. They make everything look better.
First they didn’t believe in evolution. Then they didn’t believe in global warming. Now the debt ceiling. What I call ‘the moron trifecta.’
In the Muslim world, much of it, they cannot conceive of something coming out of the United States that wouldn’t be sanctioned by the government, because in their countries, everything is sanctioned by the government.
The Drug War is an addiction, really.
New polls show that Obama is now pulling away from Mitt Romney. And, of course, what could be more natural than to see Mitt Romney and pull away?
You’d know if I was the de-facto leader of the Democratic Party, because you’d go down to Walgreen’s and buy a pack of blunts.
You talk about ‘Obama is going to herd us into FEMA brainwashing camps.’ Maybe your brain needs a little washing.
I think the reason why more rapists go into the military is the same reason why predators go into the Catholic Church. It’s a place they know they can get away with it.
It’s very well known that the Republicans have problems with minorities. The Democrats have big problems with white people. Obama only got 39% of the vote. He only got 36% of the working-class white people.
Eric Holder, our attorney general, says the Mr. Snowden will be brought to justice. Just as soon as we can find someone who can track his calls and read his emails.
In today’s Republican Party, there’s a term for people who hate charity and love killing: ‘Christian.’
It just seems like the culture war is over, and the gay kissers won.