People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it’s hard at the beginning.
First they didn’t believe in evolution. Then they didn’t believe in global warming. Now the debt ceiling. What I call ‘the moron trifecta.’
The Drug War is an addiction, really.
New polls show that Obama is now pulling away from Mitt Romney. And, of course, what could be more natural than to see Mitt Romney and pull away?
You’d know if I was the de-facto leader of the Democratic Party, because you’d go down to Walgreen’s and buy a pack of blunts.
You talk about ‘Obama is going to herd us into FEMA brainwashing camps.’ Maybe your brain needs a little washing.
I think the reason why more rapists go into the military is the same reason why predators go into the Catholic Church. It’s a place they know they can get away with it.
It’s very well known that the Republicans have problems with minorities. The Democrats have big problems with white people. Obama only got 39% of the vote. He only got 36% of the working-class white people.
Eric Holder, our attorney general, says the Mr. Snowden will be brought to justice. Just as soon as we can find someone who can track his calls and read his emails.
In today’s Republican Party, there’s a term for people who hate charity and love killing: ‘Christian.’
It just seems like the culture war is over, and the gay kissers won.
New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here’s what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here’s what they don’t know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I’d join the Tea Party.
New Rule: If you can force a woman to look at a sonogram – to see what will happen if she has an abortion – you also have to let her see a crying baby, a bratty five-year-old, and a surly teenager to see what will happen if she doesn’t. And you have to tell her it costs $204,000 to raise it until it turns eighteen, in 2028, where it will be a slave to the Chinese, in a radioactive world with no animals, fish, or plants.
I do admit there are things in the universe I don’t understand. But my response to that is not to make up silly stories... or to believe intellectually embarrassing myths from the Bronze Age, but you believe whatever you want.
Fascism is when corporations become the government.
It is not a surprise that a person would want to be a prophet. What’s ridiculous is that other people let him.
In America, there’s no idea so patently absurd that it can’t catch on.
Prop 87 out here in California is about lessening our dependence on oil by using alternative fuels, and Bill Clinton comes on at the end of the ad and says, “If Brazil can do it, America can, too!” Since when did America have to buck itself up by saying we could catch up to Brazil? We invented the airplane and the lightbulb, they invented the bikini wax, and now they’re ahead?
Doubt is the only appropriate response for human beings.
Did you know that the United States is ranked fiftieth in the world in life expectancy? And the forty-nine loser countries where they live longer than us... they live shackled to the tyranny of nonprofit health care. Here in America, you’re not coughing up blood, little Bobby, you’re coughing up freedom!
Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It’s nothing to brag about. And those who preach faith, and enable and elevate it are intellectual slaveholders, keeping mankind in a bondage to fantasy and nonsense that has spawned and justified so much lunacy and destruction. Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don’t have all the answers to think that they do.