The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It’s like a septic tank saying, ‘You need a mint.’

— Bill Maher

Bill Maher Quotes

I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider – and also FOX News makes people stupider.

— Bill Maher

I don’t want to be a pessimist. I’m a realist. One man’s realist is another man’s pessimist.

— Bill Maher

There is no such thing as a moderate Republican anymore.

— Bill Maher

Disneyland’s a mess. And it’s not just the measles. Donald Duck has bird flu. Pocahontas has small pox. The Little Mermaid has crabs. And the Monorail? Mono.

— Bill Maher

Rick Santorum said this week that his 12-year-old could out-reason me about God. Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled 12-year-old. I have enough trouble with Sarah Palin.

— Bill Maher

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Obama looks like he DOES need a teleprompter.

— Bill Maher

Gordon Gekko was right: greed is good. Because, the potty-trained Republicans have now stepped forward – like the Koch brothers – to say, ‘You know what? You yokels stop talking about defaulting on the debt, because I’m going to lose a fortune!’

— Bill Maher

I think the right-wingers have to buddy up to the fact that either the minimum wage has to go up, and people get enough money to live, or you’re always going to have people needing government assistance. You can’t have it both ways.

— Bill Maher

I love the Tea Party. They are the ultimate beer goggles. They make everything look better.

— Bill Maher

First they didn’t believe in evolution. Then they didn’t believe in global warming. Now the debt ceiling. What I call ‘the moron trifecta.’

— Bill Maher

In the Muslim world, much of it, they cannot conceive of something coming out of the United States that wouldn’t be sanctioned by the government, because in their countries, everything is sanctioned by the government.

— Bill Maher

Country

The Drug War is an addiction, really.

— Bill Maher

New polls show that Obama is now pulling away from Mitt Romney. And, of course, what could be more natural than to see Mitt Romney and pull away?

— Bill Maher

You’d know if I was the de-facto leader of the Democratic Party, because you’d go down to Walgreen’s and buy a pack of blunts.

— Bill Maher

You talk about ‘Obama is going to herd us into FEMA brainwashing camps.’ Maybe your brain needs a little washing.

— Bill Maher

I think the reason why more rapists go into the military is the same reason why predators go into the Catholic Church. It’s a place they know they can get away with it.

— Bill Maher

It’s very well known that the Republicans have problems with minorities. The Democrats have big problems with white people. Obama only got 39% of the vote. He only got 36% of the working-class white people.

— Bill Maher

Eric Holder, our attorney general, says the Mr. Snowden will be brought to justice. Just as soon as we can find someone who can track his calls and read his emails.

— Bill Maher

In today’s Republican Party, there’s a term for people who hate charity and love killing: ‘Christian.’

— Bill Maher

It just seems like the culture war is over, and the gay kissers won.

— Bill Maher

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