Alan Zweibel is the funniest writer in the world. He might be even funnier when he’s naked, but I’m afraid to find out.
Some of my close friends could easily be deceased; this would not have a serious effect on our relationship.
You could be Charles Manson, or Hitler, or even a lawyer who advertises on television, and your dog will still think you’re the greatest thing ever. This tells you something very important about dogs: They are not very bright.
I was clinging to this tree so passionately that I might very well have committed an act of photosynthesis with it.
Millions of women got the Farrah Fawcett model hairstyle, thinking this made them look like Farrah Fawcett, when in fact it made them look like French poodles that had fallen into vats of hydrogen peroxide.
Probably the most violently hated of the weenie songs cited in the survey was “Sometimes When We Touch,” sung in a very emotional manner by Dan Hill, who sounds as though he’s having his prostate examined by Captain Hook.
I realize that some of you may be skeptical about the idea of reincarnation, but there’s a lot of evidence that it’s real. Exhibit A is Vice President Al Gore, who obviously, at some point in his previous existence, was a slab of Formica.
Fortunately the bad guys had the tactical intelligence of a waffle iron, so the hero was able to outsmart them by ducking behind some rocks, then putting his hat on a stick and holding it.
Other useful commands to teach your dog are ‘stay,’ ‘heel,’ ‘remove your snout from that person’s groin,’ ‘stop humping the Barcalounger,’ ‘do not bark violently for two hours at inanimate objects such as a flowerpot,’ ′ do not eat poop,′ and ‘if you must eat poop, then at least refrain from licking my face afterward’.
Natives of the Florida Keys often refer to themselves as Conchs, and for good reason: They have been drinking.
Call me a proud American, if you want, but I truly believe that no other nation on Earth possesses the capabilities to put on a more powerful display of underwater mermaid patriotism.
If a Greek woman tells you to do something, you do it.
Sometimes I think the main purpose of professional sports is to give guys something to talk about that does not involve them personally.
Under Florida’s “stand your ground” law, it is legal to shoot anybody for any reason as long as you are standing on the ground.
The truth is that only a small percentage of Miami’s population consists of violent criminals, and the bulk of those are elected officials. The rest of us Miamians are regular people, just like the people in your town: We work hard, try to raise our kids right, and are always ready to help out our neighbors by laying down covering fire when they go outside to get their newspapers.
Every single human cell contains “DNA,” which is a special molecule that your body leaves behind at crime scenes so the police can identify you.
Your DNA wants to put its imprint on the entire human race, like the Nike Corporation.
In one case, a group of innocent American tourists was taken on a tour bus through a country the members later described as “either France or Sweden” and subjected to three days of looking at old, dirty buildings in cities where it was not possible to get a cheeseburger.
Did you see those airport security people? I think you could drive a tank past them, as long as it didn’t contain any liquids.
Yes, but in this case, the fatality was a shark. The tractor-trailer was carrying four sharks from the Florida Keys to an aquarium in Coney Island in New York City and one of the sharks was ejected during the crash. Fortunately, it didn’t hit anybody, but the fact remains that there was, briefly, an airborne shark on Interstate 95, and it could have hit a car, which would have been tragic, by which I mean pretty funny.
He could be a testosterone donor.