I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I – R2D2? I don’t know what to do with that.
Why anyone needed to hold her breath above water was beyond me, but when I make things up, I rarely have a filter.
We agreed on the basic Brazilian – right after I downed a Vicodin. I don’t know who thought up waxing, but it was clearly the same person who invented Vicodin. Finally, the Tuesday of my.
Cocktails should be cold. Cubes. Plural. Not the rapper.
There’s nothing more annoying than a man ordering wine at a bar when you’re not eating.
Death is agony. There is simply no other way to describe it. It is getting the wind knocked out of you over and over again, and just when you think you have enough strength to take a deep breath, it knocks you down again. There is no break from the pain. It is arduous, unyielding.
Sometimes I just have to rock myself back and forth and say, “You’ve offended so many people at this point. Don’t try to keep track now, girl.
I’m loud and brash. Certain people find that off-putting. Most straight men find that off-putting. This isn’t hard for me to understand. Why is it hard for you to understand?
I wanted to learn how to forgive.
The thought of giving up alcohol crossed my mind too, but I was soon reminded of the promise to Ketel One, Grey Goose, and other top-shelf vodkas that I had made in my early twenties. Never turn your back on someone who has asked nothing in return.
Hilarious, insightful, and smart. A must-read for anyone who wears clothes.
So you’re a comedian,” he said. “Tell me something funny.” “Okay. The great thing about being an alcoholic is that when you’re bored at a party, you can leave without saying good-bye, and people just think you blacked out.” “Are you an alcoholic?” he asked me. “That’s not really the point,” I responded. “And I don’t like the word ‘alcoholic.’ I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
There’s nothing worse than ruining a perfectly good moment by thinking someone else will find humor in something they absolutely do not.
Obviously, there are other factors, such as nature and nurture, along with all of the events that happen throughout your early childhood and throughout your life that will shape who you become as a person,” he said. “But that anger, sadness, or fear will remain deep in your subconscious, and will dictate how you react to things in your life that don’t go as planned.
He told me that people whose default is fear tend to second-guess everything they do. They tend to be indecisive, and many end up leading very safe lives. They are not interested in risk or adventure –.
He was the only person in my family who understood that I was born going through menopause, and that whenever I ate soup, I had to take my top off.
That’s what death is like, though. You can’t only cry for two weeks straight. You cry, and then you get tired of crying, and then someone says something, and then you’re all laughing, and it feels bad to be laughing, but it also feels so good. Without the laughter, we’d all be dying too.
Go after happiness like it is the only thing you can take with you when you die.
Sisters. Only a sister knows how to comfort a sister. Period. End of story. Men can give us a hug or pat us on the back, but only a girl will get another girl off her feet to face the rain.
Real generosity is also showing up when you don’t feel like it – sacrificing your own happiness in exchange for someone else’s.
Treat yourself the way you treat the person you love most in the world. Get on your own team.