I didn’t become a comedian to work this hard.
Don’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says ‘yes.’
The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
That’s what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.
I’m actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I’m in the Special Olympics or something.
It’s hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.
I don’t like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can’t figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies.
When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that’s an exclamation point.
I love a stupid joke, something that doesn’t make any sense.
I don’t like people who drink decaf coffee it’s like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That’s like drinking non alcoholic vodka.
Women don’t have to be jealous of other women.
Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.
Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so afraid. If something doesn’t work then that’s fine at least then you know it doesn’t work. Don’t worry so much about it not working, you can always fix that.
I don’t think the problem is telling people you’re on a diet. The problem is eating ice cream for breakfast.
Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.
Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don’t do meth, but maybe if they called meth ‘Stefanie’ I would!
I’ve never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.
If you have to work at McDonald’s, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.
You know what they say, when one door closes, another Belvedere opens.
Everyone knows if you’re going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.