An auctioneer is a man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.
ABSENCE, n. That which “makes the heart grow fonder” – of absence. Absence of mind is the cerebral condition essential to success in popular preaching. It is sometimes termed lack of sense.
He dug his fingers into the sand, threw it over himself in handfuls and audibly blessed it. It looked like diamonds, rubies, emeralds; he could not think of nothing beautiful which it did not resemble.
Good stranger,” I continued, “I am ill and lost. Direct me, I beseech you, to Carcosa.
When the man was dead an examination disclosed the unmistakable marks of an animal’s fangs deeply sunken into the jugular vein. But there was no animal.
AUTHENTIC, adj. Indubitably true – in somebody’s opinion.
Patriotism is fierce as a fever, pitiless as the grave and blind as a stone.
At about this time something occurred which caused my cup of joy, already full, to overflow on all sides, a circular cataract of bliss.
Some deep disappointment in early life had soured its disposition, and it had declared war upon the whole world.
This irrascible and implacable brute – this incarnate thunderbolt – this monster of the upper deep, I had seen reposing in the shade of an adjacent tree, dreaming dreams of conquest and glory.
Like a plant that has struck its root into some poisonous mineral, my poor uncle was dying slowly upward.
The fever of battle burned hot in its heart; its brain was intoxicated with the wine of strife.
When Death comes cloaked in mystery, he is terrible indeed.
It fought, like the angels and devils, in mid-air, cleaving the atmosphere like a bird, describing a parabolic curve and descending upon its victim at just the exact angle of incidence to make the most of its velocity and weight.
WEATHER, n. The climate of the hour. A permanent topic of conversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who have inherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal ancestors whom it keenly concerned.
MALTHUSIAN, adj. Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines. Malthus believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could not be done by talking. One of the most practical exponents of the Malthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the famous soldiers have been of the same way of thinking.
WRATH, n. Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate to exalted characters and momentous occasions; as, “the wrath of God,” “the day of wrath,” etc. Amongst the ancients the wrath of kings was deemed sacred, for it could usually command the agency of some god for its fit manifestation, as could also that of a priest.
LUNARIAN, n. An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits.
MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of fortune that never misses.
ABASEMENT, n. A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth or power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing an employer.
PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed resemblance to man.