In the Year 2000 the discovery of extraterrestrial life will create a revolution in science, art, and pornography.
Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.
Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans.
So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can’t wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them.
Taco Bell is going to start selling nachos and chicken nuggets wrapped in a tortilla. In other words, thank God we’re going to keep Obamacare.
Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven’t you already lost?
Yesterday, after the Thanksgiving parade, Donald Trump appeared at Macy’s to promote his new line of fragrances and business suits. Unfortunately, there were high winds and Trump’s hair nearly killed two people.
The Olympics are getting mixed reviews. People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming event even though the race hadn’t aired yet. NBC apologized saying, ‘We’re just not used to people watching our network.’
An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you’re swimming.
Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.
According to a new study, most men would like women to occasionally pick up the check. The study also found that most women would occasionally like to be paid as much as men for doing the same job.
The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt.
Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and hard-charging opponent. That explains why Bush’s nickname for Kerry is math.
Republicans are already trying to paint Hillary Clinton as too old to be president. In fact, a new ad claims she’s so old that she could be a Republican.
MSNBC has abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and according to his contract he’s not allowed back on television for at least six months. Or as industry experts call it, The Conan.
Egypt is in the second day of angry street protests. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Because nothing calms an enraged Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around.
The Republican-controlled House voted to repeal the healthcare bill. If that goes well, they’ll see what they can do about this whole ‘women voting’ thing.
At the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao, Hu opened a fortune cookie that said, ‘You will lend us another trillion dollars.’
President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, ‘It’s even worse than we thought. He’s a Jewish Muslim.’
NBC announced that during the summer Olympics they will set a new record by airing over 1200 hours of coverage. Which is amazing because that’s 10 hours longer than the coverage of Reagan’s funeral.
I’m a paranoid person. And I think – I’m the kind of person that can come up with lots of negative scenarios. But I remembered thinking that seemed like – that was a stretch even for me.