My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.
To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise.
Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.
When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine – this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.
I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. A typhoon couldn’t blow that thing off their heads. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
My dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.
I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me.
If you don’t decide where you’re going, life will decide for you.
I’m actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.
I’m one of these guys that just spoils the environment. I like ATVs and snowmobiles. I have a motorcycle up there, and I like cruising through the hills.
Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
Dog’s listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.
Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.
Boys can be disgusting. You can’t leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We’re just obnoxious.
I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, “Dad’s an idiot,” which lasted a little longer than I’d like.
I grew up around hunters. I love guns, bows, arrows, compasses and binoculars. I don’t do any of that stuff, I just like the stuff. I shot one animal, in my life, and I didn’t like it. If I had to skin an animal to eat it, I’d probably eat vegetables.
If man evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?
It’s sad knowing that after something happens, every option to change the past is gone.