One of my life goals is to be a best man. It’s a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid. Usually standing from behind.
I have found that she is as kind and caring a person as she is hilarious. Simply put, Amy Poehler is my hero.
It can take a few months to get a new 10 minutes. Usually it takes like 10 times of repeatedly trying different variations of a joke until I land on one I think is really good.
To be honest, I tend to romanticize the past, and though I appreciate all the conveniences of modern life, sometimes I yearn for simpler times.
It’s much more fun to share and laugh at the bad times and the frustrations. I find you get a much deeper connection with the audience that way.
I always have my setlist planned out, but the best moments are when the energy of the crowd just gets your mind working and you are able to come up with new tags for jokes and just riff off things in the room.
In this era, we have more choice than any group of people ever. When you are out at night, anyone in the universe can contact you instantly. Think about how crazy that is compared to even a few decades ago.
I talk about stuff like my Blackberry, Lost, the internet, music, etc. so I guess that leads to the “nerd” moniker. But I don’t get it that much to be honest. I guess its better than being labeled a “racist” comedian.
I have a couple of ‘doing caps’ in my wallet. That’s what I call condoms.
Come on, man, I got a full beard!
At the risk bragging, one of the things I’m best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.
Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.
When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses.
Everyone’s first thought is “These women are going to take advantage of you” or “Someone’s only going to date you because you’re famous.” That stuff’s not really an issue because that’s super-easy to see through.
Yeah, I’ve been a little down. Totally natural. I’m getting a divorce, but now I’m ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.
You don’t know Jay-Z’s scedule. He’s a renaissance man.
I’ve never done online dating.
What if I couldn’t read? I wouldn’t be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits from Red Lobster!
You should really treat stand-up like you would a play. It’s a one-man play.
Most of my teachers when I grew up were like older white women. So, I couldn’t really channel them.