I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
My son asked for very little – a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings – my brother.
I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
In the suburbs it’s hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, “It doesn’t do anything. It’s just a Christmas gift.”
I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?
I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn’t give her a fancy gift. And I didn’t.
My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here?
I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year’s it flew away.
I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won’t let me plug it in.
On Valentine’s Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
She was nice to him on Valentine’s Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.
Valentine’s Day – a nice holiday because it’s the first day of the rest of your wife.
At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I’d told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law – a battery-operated mouth.
I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it’s wrong.
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.