One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.

— Milton Berle

Milton Berle Quotes

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings – my brother.

— Milton Berle

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

— Milton Berle

In the suburbs it’s hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

— Milton Berle

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, “It doesn’t do anything. It’s just a Christmas gift.”

— Milton Berle

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

— Milton Berle

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn’t give her a fancy gift. And I didn’t.

— Milton Berle

My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here?

— Milton Berle

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year’s it flew away.

— Milton Berle

New Year

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won’t let me plug it in.

— Milton Berle

On Valentine’s Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

— Milton Berle

She was nice to him on Valentine’s Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.

— Milton Berle

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.

— Milton Berle

Valentine’s Day – a nice holiday because it’s the first day of the rest of your wife.

— Milton Berle

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

— Milton Berle

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

— Milton Berle

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I’d told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

— Milton Berle

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law – a battery-operated mouth.

— Milton Berle

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it’s wrong.

— Milton Berle

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

— Milton Berle

You can’t believe everything you hear, but it’s fun to repeat it anyway.

— Milton Berle

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