If you don’t drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.
Apparently there is no profit in the unique, or not enough to make it worthwhile to preserve. Ultimately it drains the life out of us, and existentialism starts to make more and more sense.
In Canada I’m not dealing with people who are bringing in baggage, they just get it. But New Orleans will be a bit different. If there’s a group of people who have a right to be bitter, it’s the people of New Orleans.
I’m not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I’m not. So it’s hard for me to come up with things, because I don’t write stuff, I don’t write my act down.
I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don’t have to show up to work until 14 hours later.
The reason I like socialism is that it’s kind of enforced Christianity. It’s basically very Christian, in the sense of “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” These people have nothing, so you have to share.
There’s a whole group of Christians who believe the individual is more important, but in the end I don’t think that’s what Christ was talking about.
I never write anything down. I write onstage.
I’ve always been a social network retard, even before there was a social network. People would say, “You want to go to this party and do some networking?”
The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning.
I had to watch the Republican stuff which makes me feel even older than I am. By the time I get through the Democrats, I may be dead. I don’t know how much older I can get.
I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment.
I do like Guinness, I have to say, because you feel like you’re eating something.
Every other civilized country has determined when life begins and it’s something that eludes us. We’ve got things that have to be done! “We didn’t fix that bridge because you are all down at the meeting house discussing abortion again.”
Stupidity really gets me going, when it’s just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. And I think that’s the reason my act has become more political. I’ve become somewhat more of a political comic because the level of stupidity I’ve watched is staggering.
I hammer on a theme until I’m tired of it and the audience is tired of it.
My hate of Apple has moved into a hate of Facebook.
A lot of the times I’m looking at something that I discover is part of a larger framework and not just a couple jokes. I see that it’s a set, a story that I’ll be telling. Sometimes I get lost in that.
The Droid I had actually seemed to have free will, which I thought was interesting.
Oh sure, I have regrets, but that’s the nice thing about age. Regrets fade. And eventually, you die.
Humor is how we find comfort in the totally illogical, for it is the bridge back to the logical.