I think in doing stand-up there are no rules and there’s no architecture.
Shuffling really isn’t something you should be doing on your deathbed.
I never really understood what was expected of me as a man, or how I was supposed to interact with women, but worse, with other guys. I did not relate to them.
The things I care about are the most pedestrian things in the world. I care about good ice cream and being a good dad and a decent husband.
The whole idea of punk rock is that you’re dressing yourself in a crazy leather jacket with safety pins and a Mohawk. The idea of being the rebel is a boring societal idea. It’s such a type. And that’s what I was, without knowing it.
Things you never thought were going to turn into something end up being the most important things in your life. You have to learn to not try to control it.
I thought I’d be living a much more bohemian life and be very poor. I never thought I’d do comedy or be married living in the suburbs. Every time I try to plan my life out it just doesn’t come to pass, and I think that’s a great experience.
As an actor, you can show up on a set and be on a TV show for three or four years, or whatever it is and, by the end of it, you just want to do something else.
There is something about the human condition. I don’t think dogs are like “If only I was a poodle instead of a golden retriever, I’d be totally happy.” Dogs are happy with who they are.
I’m not sure what it would mean to have “made it.” Made what? Yes, I can make a decent living in show business, so if that’s the criteria, then I’ve made it. But that doesn’t feel that important to me. The stuff that matters to me are the new challenges. I know that sounds hokey, but it’s true.
I think people hate me pretty much across the board, which is nice.
Sometimes the criticism is actually useful and constructive and actually informs what I do, but most of the time, it’s sort of mindless, or they’re receiving something on a different frequency than I was sending it. They’re just not getting what I’m doing, and that’s fine.
It doesn’t matter what you’re chasing, when you get there you’re gonna be like, “Oh, is this all? It kind of sucks.”
I’ll never admit that I’m an actor, because the next horrible follow-up question is always, “Oh, what have I seen you in?”
Perhaps we will end up one of those sad childless couples who spend all their time sleeping late, buying luxury goods, traveling the world, and enjoying each other’s company. That would be terrible.
Once I commit to something, I commit – at least until I quit, which can happen at any time.
If you are on the honor roll and your parents don’t put a sticker on their car saying so, they are not proud of you and do not love you.
That’s what family is, I guess – finding a place for all the parts of ourselves that fit nowhere else.
There is no feeling quite so delicious as that of being virtuous without having had to do anything.
I am extremely gullible when I lie to myself.
Because hair loss is only superficial when it happens to somebody else.