I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans.
The greatest charity you can contribute to is yourself. Instead of spending a dollar to help feed hungry children, why not spend that dollar on hair gel so you can get the perfect cowlick?
I think there are bound to be obstacles in any path to success. I mean, I’m Jewish, and there’s nothing I can do about that. Instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I got over it and did something with my life.
I’m sick of people saying I hate blacks, women, and gays. It’s false and slanderous. Everyone who knows me knows I hate the Chinese.
I was originally casted to be in the Superman movie but I read the script and realized that it was mysteriously similar to my screenplay for Zach Braff the Movie.
It’s always weird being the only white person in a group. It feels like everyone’s looking to me for guidance.
It has been pretty much downhill ever since the 13th amendment.
Look on the bright side; that’s one bullet that’s not going to hit me.
I have a great relationship with my parents. I have not been on lithium.
I’m always being told by directors that I add chemistry to scenes, so I mean how difficult could it be?
I know the Bible isn’t real because it never once mentions me.
There is one person I can think of better than me. And that’s Zach Braff. What a cool guy.
I like the punch beggers and panhandlers when they ask me for change. I feel like I am doing my part to clean up the streets.
Seriously, when’s the last time you saw me wear shorts?
Over half a century on and they’re still complaining about it. Compare it to the fact that Garden State didn’t win an Oscar and they seem a little petty if you ask me. I guess that just goes to show what kind of people they really are.
They don’t know I’m staring, what does it matter if I keep on doing it?
Put God and me in a cage, what do you think who will win. God, because I created him.
If it were up to me, it’d be outlawed. I mean, come on. Zach Braff was born streamlined, and that’s how it should stay!
Honestly, the only way Garden State could have been better was if I played every character. I’m awesome.
The only women I publicly date are those who have a higher IMDB rating than me.
Yeah, I saw the guy running out of the building carrying a rifle, I just didn’t say anything to the cops because I was so happy that I wasn’t the one who got shot.