Once both gay marriage and marijuana are finally legal, those of you against them are not invited to the really fun parties I’m gonna throw.
The greatest charity you can contribute to is yourself. Instead of spending a dollar to help feed hungry children, why not spend that dollar on hair gel so you can get the perfect cowlick?
I think there are bound to be obstacles in any path to success. I mean, I’m Jewish, and there’s nothing I can do about that. Instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I got over it and did something with my life.
I’m sick of people saying I hate blacks, women, and gays. It’s false and slanderous. Everyone who knows me knows I hate the Chinese.
I was originally casted to be in the Superman movie but I read the script and realized that it was mysteriously similar to my screenplay for Zach Braff the Movie.
It’s always weird being the only white person in a group. It feels like everyone’s looking to me for guidance.
It has been pretty much downhill ever since the 13th amendment.
Look on the bright side; that’s one bullet that’s not going to hit me.
I have a great relationship with my parents. I have not been on lithium.
I’m always being told by directors that I add chemistry to scenes, so I mean how difficult could it be?
I know the Bible isn’t real because it never once mentions me.
There is one person I can think of better than me. And that’s Zach Braff. What a cool guy.
I like the punch beggers and panhandlers when they ask me for change. I feel like I am doing my part to clean up the streets.
Seriously, when’s the last time you saw me wear shorts?
Over half a century on and they’re still complaining about it. Compare it to the fact that Garden State didn’t win an Oscar and they seem a little petty if you ask me. I guess that just goes to show what kind of people they really are.
They don’t know I’m staring, what does it matter if I keep on doing it?
Put God and me in a cage, what do you think who will win. God, because I created him.
If it were up to me, it’d be outlawed. I mean, come on. Zach Braff was born streamlined, and that’s how it should stay!
Honestly, the only way Garden State could have been better was if I played every character. I’m awesome.
The only women I publicly date are those who have a higher IMDB rating than me.
Yeah, I saw the guy running out of the building carrying a rifle, I just didn’t say anything to the cops because I was so happy that I wasn’t the one who got shot.