This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
When it came to writing about wine, I did what almost everybody does – faked it.
A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.
I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week.
I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
Don’t commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
I didn’t go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I’d done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
I became a hero to everyone because I didn’t take dialysis and was still alive.
Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
I can now say without hesitation the Marine Corps was the best foster home I ever had.
Dying is easy; parking is impossible.
I’ve found it’s harder for the family of the patient to accept what’s happening. In most cases – not all – the dying person has accepted his fate.
The irony of our culture is that people are constantly telling other people to go to hell, but no one tells them to go to heaven.
Then the question is, are we worried about the wishes of the patient or about the money involved?
But a funny thing happens to you in a depression. If you don’t hurt yourself, you can gain tremendous insights and empathy, find inner strengths and hidden talents. It’s a mysterious process, but if you can hold on, you become a wiser person.
If a child is lucky, there will always be one Mrs. Egorkin who’ll play a pivotal role in his or her life.
No one has ever questioned the credentials of a critic who writes a rave notice.