I’ve never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I’ve never left behind.
If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they’d be off TV. They’re not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we’d know who she was?
The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.
There are certain things women are better at than men.
I’m a comedian, not a politician.
I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.
I’d never hurt another person.
I’m like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.
I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.
I used to be a Democrat, now I’m basically a Republican.
I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I’m not interested in hurting their feelings.
I like radio and live performing stuff. I don’t like the television stuff as much.
My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.
I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.
I have no connection with Hollywood. I’m not interested. I don’t care.
You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.
To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can’t you do.
A lot of people would say, to be truthful is to tell all, every dalliance, every crisis. They might be right on paper, but in practice, it’s not a great way to go.
The truth is we’re all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else’s book. We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.
That’s the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can’t pursue your dream till you’re 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.
My motto is “more mystery, less history”.