I’m a comedian, not a politician.
I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.
I have no connection with Hollywood. I’m not interested. I don’t care.
You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.
To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can’t you do.
A lot of people would say, to be truthful is to tell all, every dalliance, every crisis. They might be right on paper, but in practice, it’s not a great way to go.
The truth is we’re all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else’s book. We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.
That’s the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can’t pursue your dream till you’re 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.
My motto is “more mystery, less history”.
Humans need challenges to overcome, just like a muscle needs resistance to grow. In a zero-gravity environment, an astronaut’s muscles atrophy because there is no resistance. The government giving you a bunch of handouts and living your life for you is the equivalent of doing push-ups in outer space. Big government is like the void of space – it’s massive, constantly expanding, and if we immerse ourselves in it, we’ll simply wither away.
I’m just a normal guy with some good solid common sense who has zero tolerance for those with zero intelligence.
Unfinished Beer Guy: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a party on a Saturday night, and then walk around for an hour on Sunday morning, tearfully emptying 2,600 unfinished beers. I feel like the guys who removed the bodies from a Civil War battlefield.
The Zipper is scarier than any ride at Six Flags because there is a real element of danger. It was put together that morning by a guy who was smoking and sipping off a flask while he was doing it. And the House of Mirrors is a disaster. It’s a fun house where the fun is head trauma from running into a sheet of glass.
When you have kids, your castle becomes their bouncy castle. In my case, this is literally true. Jimmy Kimmel bought Sonny and Natalia this inflatable castle in 2012. It’s the real deal. At first, I thought he had rented it. No, he bought it.
People always said to me, “You must have been dyslexic.” I wasn’t. Why is it that when a white kid can’t read people say he’s dyslexic but when a black kid can’t read people say he “fell through the cracks.” This is a racist thought. I was as white as they come, and I fell through the cracks known as my parents and the Los Angeles school system. That said, Dyslexia would make a great black name. Sounds like a good wide out for the Steelers.
It’s the constant chase that makes the one-percenter the one-percenter. The key to financial and career success is to never be satisfied. But that’s not necessarily the key to life success. No.
You can be an expert on anything if you just use logic.
Dr. Drew has always said, “accept reality on reality’s terms.
Nowadays, telling your wife “I have to work” gets you a disappointed sigh. This is the worst period in history to be a dad. It used to be that if you worked and provided that was enough.
In changing the definitions of words, we have lost all sense of meaning and, simultaneously, our minds.
She was so racially sensitive and suffering from secondhand outrage, she had to protest.