If you’re thinking of coming to America, this is what it’s like: you’ve got your Comfort Inn, you’ve got your Best Western, and you’ve got your Red Lobster where you eat. Everybody’s very fat, everybody’s very stupid and everybody’s very rude – it’s not a holiday programme, it’s the truth.

— Jeremy Clarkson

Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

Unlike furious thin-lipped feminists, I tend not to draw distinctions between men and women, apart from in bed where you really do need to spot the difference.

— Jeremy Clarkson

Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the Ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze.

— Jeremy Clarkson

This is perfect for India because everyone who comes here gets the trots.

— Jeremy Clarkson

Looking good in Italy is even more important than looking where you’re going.

— Jeremy Clarkson

It was as relaxing as being tickled.

— Jeremy Clarkson

I think it’s a good idea to tie Peter Mandelson to a van. Such an act would be cruel and barbaric and inhuman. But it would at least cheer everyone up a bit.

— Jeremy Clarkson

Like many men, I can never find anything that I’m looking for, even when I’m actually looking at it. In a fridge, I think milk is actually invisible to the male eye. And so, it turns out, are dirty great holes in the fence.

— Jeremy Clarkson

Governments would rather spend their money on another bomber than education, and why do we fear black men when every bit of suffering in our lives has a Caucasian face attached to it?

— Jeremy Clarkson

Mix an anorexic body with a heart made of pure fire and you are going to go with a savagery that’s hard to explain.

— Jeremy Clarkson

If we build three million new houses by 2020, where will we grow all the stuff needed to feed the people who live in them?

— Jeremy Clarkson

All this health and safety talk is just killing me.

— Jeremy Clarkson

The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler.

— Jeremy Clarkson

Nothing can prepare you for the yawning chasm of time that passes in Canada before the healthcare system actually does any healthcare.

— Jeremy Clarkson

You take out an injunction against somebody or some organisation and immediately news of that injunction and the people involved and the story behind the injunction is in a legal-free world on Twitter and the Internet. It’s pointless.

— Jeremy Clarkson

About Stories

When I was 16, I wanted to look like Lord Byron. It’s not really a haircut so much as a hair-not-cut, but I’ve never changed it. It’s a bit Byron, a bit Don Juan DeMarco and other things that I aspire to be.

— Jeremy Clarkson

The problem is that television executives have got it into their heads that if one presenter on a show is a blonde-haired, blue-eyed heterosexual boy, the other must be a black Muslim lesbian.

— Jeremy Clarkson

I’m not capable of having an affair. You can ask my wife. I’m not physically capable.

— Jeremy Clarkson

I like to be loved by my children, and I quite like the Guardian hating me.

— Jeremy Clarkson

Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York, and that he has a full size tattoo of his face, on his face. All we know is he’s called the Stig.

— Jeremy Clarkson

Ambition is a very dangerous thing because either you achieve it and your life ends prematurely, or you don’t, in which case your life is a constant source of disappointment. You must never have ambition.

— Jeremy Clarkson

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