I want to be able to challenge myself. And do things that are away from what I usually do. Stand-up is safe for me. I can do stand-up in front of twenty-five thousand people, and I’m like, “I know how to do this. This is what I do.” I want to be a little scared.

— Dane Cook

Dane Cook Quotes

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

— Dane Cook

I’m bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.

— Dane Cook

I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?

— Dane Cook

I’m a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.

— Dane Cook

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

— Dane Cook

If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you’ve lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.

— Dane Cook

I’m curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.

— Dane Cook

About Stories

Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?

— Dane Cook

You know you’re lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.

— Dane Cook

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.

— Dane Cook

Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.

— Dane Cook

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I’m assuming the kids safe and we’re just focusing on the pooch.

— Dane Cook

Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.

— Dane Cook

When somebody says I wouldn’t change a thing they’re thinking of something they would change.

— Dane Cook

If you’re drunk please don’t drive. If you’re on shrooms please don’t think Walmart’s a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.

— Dane Cook

You can’t become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.

— Dane Cook

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.

— Dane Cook

My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.

— Dane Cook

It’s amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.

— Dane Cook

I was not abandoned as a child. I left.

— Dane Cook

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