When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.
Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they’ll rebel and make the right ones.
I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.
I’m bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.
I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?
I’m a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.
True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!
If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you’ve lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.
I’m curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.
Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?
You know you’re lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.
If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.
Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.
Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I’m assuming the kids safe and we’re just focusing on the pooch.
Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.
When somebody says I wouldn’t change a thing they’re thinking of something they would change.
If you’re drunk please don’t drive. If you’re on shrooms please don’t think Walmart’s a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.
You can’t become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.
You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.
My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.
It’s amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.