The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It’s so funny! Right in the first six pages, it’s funny!
I think I’d be a really good dad. So perhaps I’m doing society a disservice by not having as many kids as possible.
High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they’re both great to read when you’re baked, but come on, ya know...
I have always tried to use humor to “help ever” and “hurt never,” for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.
I don’t mean this to sound hyperbolic but there are increasingly, albeit really minor, similarities between now and how Germany was lulled into what happened pre-WW2.
Then I will tape the sets and even though I’m not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.
I don’t think of my opponents in the sense that I don’t think of them consciously, I don’t steer it one way or the other.
The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.
If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.
All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. ‘Oh, David, it’s so hard.’ That’s not hard. I’ll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that’s hard, that takes finesse. You’re just inconvenienced.
I’ve never written jokes. I mean, I’ll write things on a piece of paper and riff on them onstage.
I think I could have a funnier, more economic sets. But that’s the comedy I do. And I understand if people aren’t interested in it and would rather listen to someone else. But I’ll never understand the anger people have toward me.
If people disagree with me and want to articulate it, that’s not only their right but almost their obligation.
I’ve never thought of myself as a hoity-toity cultural critic.
Hopefully people are upset for the reason I want them to be upset. Even when I was doing open mics, I’ve always had people upset. I’ve never been the consummate crowd-pleaser.
It’s not that I don’t have kids for some personal reason outside of, I just haven’t had kids. And I haven’t met someone who wanted to, as far as I know. And perhaps I’m attracted to women who aren’t ready to make that commitment just yet.
Most people who have kids are, “Hey, I want another me. I like me. I’m pretty cool, and I’ve got really great ideas, and the way I think is the right way to think. Let’s put another one of me out there.”
It probably does make it more difficult to enjoy a good laugh at someone who’s onstage, seemingly yelling at you. But I’m not yelling at the audience, I’m yelling at the world. It genuinely sucks if people are taking it that way. But I’m not talking to individuals.
A verbose, prosaic review which mentions whistling winds and the timeless feeling of jade doesn’t mean anything to me; I don’t need a novella telling me about how an album is like a fine meal.
There’s quite an overlap between musicians – especially drummers – who have an affection and a proclivity towards comedy and comedians who fantasize about being in a band. And a lot of comics play instruments.
As far as just my stand-up is concerned, I don’t care about changing anyone’s mind. I’m not making an argument. I’m a guy doing comedy.