At some point I stopped stand-up because I didn’t have something to say on a nightly basis.
I had a dream that Connie Chung is doing a newscast about my death and they show a clip from Soap.
Did you ever reach a point in your life, where you say to yourself, ‘This is the best I’m ever going to look, the best I’m ever going to feel, the best I’m ever going to do,’ and it ain’t that great?
You really have to have some muscle to be on the stage in front of the world.
You give up your dream, you give up.
I can’t be funny if my feet don’t feel right.
Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.
You have to really respect what your kids are doing with their kids and how they’re raising them. You can’t push your way into areas where you shouldn’t be saying anything. You have to always remember they’re not your own kids. Play with them, love them, spoil them to death – then hand them back.
Don’t give up your power.
I think when I feel I’m at my best is when I’m on stage, and it’s my version of jazz because it’s just riffing or something.
I used to limp around my neighborhood imitating him. I did my Bar Mitzvah with an Oklahoma drawl.
Despite what The Wall Street Journal says, our awards are the best-kept secret in America, with the possible exception of what George W. Bush did in the ’70s.
Bambi, to a kid, was scary.
I always was a performer, from the time I was little. It was always a natural place for me to be.
There’s only, I think, in life, three things that I do pretty well: Performing, I still can field ground balls, and I make nice kids.
I quit drinking. That was a big problem for a lot of years. Then after that, I just started feeling grateful again.
Do something special on your birthday. Whatever you do, celebrate the fact that you’re here, and that people love you and you love them. We only do this once.
The kind of people who spoke mostly Yiddish, which is a combination of German and phlegm. This is a language of coughing and spitting; until I was eleven, I wore a raincoat.
We all have a different image of what old is, and if you were exposed to senior citizens at a young age, as I was, it can color your soul with terror.
I miss those days, those midnight hours on the turnpike with nothing on the road but trucks and me, and nothing on my mind but the act and how I could make it funnier.
But I say to all of you, as my Mom said to me: Do something special on your birthday. Whatever you do, celebrate the fact that you’re here, and that people love you and you love them.