I don’t want you to think I don’t love my extended family. I do. I just don’t want to be around them. Some of this is because I’m a loner. Some of this is because at family gatherings you are forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a clinically insane person.

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quotes

I was able to make the jump to theaters without having a TV show. My passion for getting a TV show just plummeted. It was like I had already achieved what I wanted to achieve.

— Jim Gaffigan

It’s a balancing act of you feel horrible that you’re away but there is something about the road that is rather liberating.

— Jim Gaffigan

There are a lot of good looking men on this planet. It seems like once a week someone will tell me, “I know someone who looks like you” and I don’t know what say to them except, “Tell them hi.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn’t make sense from a financial standpoint.

— Jim Gaffigan

Twitter allowed me to talk about parenting in short snippets and find out what I really wanted to say about it, which is that I’m a dad who had no idea what he’s doing.

— Jim Gaffigan

I personally have no interest in being a star or a celebrity. I want my stand-up comedy and how I think as a comedian to be recognized and successful.

— Jim Gaffigan

We tend to outdo ourselves.

— Jim Gaffigan

Television’s very much a writer’s medium, as it probably should be, but if you’re not the writer, then as the performer, you defer to that. It’s just kind of how it’s constructed. Is there some leeway? Yeah. But I also don’t want to come across as a jerk.

— Jim Gaffigan

I’m kind of like a guy who’s missing a little bit of the guy gene. Like, I love steak, but the notion of golfing is the last thing I would want to do. I love women, but I’m also a mama’s boy, and some of my best friends are women. So I’m kinda half guy’s guy.

— Jim Gaffigan

I don’t have any delusions. I’m not a novelist – I’m a comedian who writes. I love doing the stand-up and the touring and the albums and all that, but it’s pretty amazing to go into a library and see your book there.

— Jim Gaffigan

I’m a guy who comes from a small town in the Midwest. It’s not in my nature to say the most explicit things in public.

— Jim Gaffigan

I’m not a foodie; I’m an eatie. I don’t have anything against foodies. I just don’t have the time or the interest to do that much research.

— Jim Gaffigan

I’m much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks.

— Jim Gaffigan

I’m there to make people laugh. I’m not trying to come across as sexy.

— Jim Gaffigan

The entertainment business is such a strange, crazy perception business that you’re either given way too much respect, like people saying, “You should be the head of the sitcom!” Or you’re given no respect, where they’re like, “You should audition to be the garbage man that lives four houses down.”

— Jim Gaffigan

There are people that are vegetarians that love bacon.

— Jim Gaffigan

I’m definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer – everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we’re just like, oh no.

— Jim Gaffigan

I like bowling. It’s just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know bowling. Somebody once said, “The whitest things in the world are Jim Gaffigan and bowling.”

— Jim Gaffigan

I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I’d always cringe a little bit, like, ‘I can’t get a date, I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

— Jim Gaffigan

If someone picks up one thing you’ve written, you want them to go, ‘Wow, this is pretty good.’

— Jim Gaffigan
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