The only way to go on holiday is with your expectations at ground level. Convince yourself before you go that the weather’s going to be dreadful and there will be nylon sheets. You’ll then be pleasantly surprised.
As a rule, wearing a bigger pair of jeans looks better than squishing yourself into a pair of jeans that used to fit before you gave up smoking.
I wouldn’t say I was grumpy. It’s more pathological – I have seismic tantrums. I get red in the face and cry at least three times a week, and I have to lie down and have a nap afterwards.
Well, I really don’t like heights. I don’t get on the top deck of a double-decker because that’s a bit high for me. I always feel that I’m going to hurl myself off, so heights are a problem.
There should be more booing in shops and restaurants and places like that when when the service is bad. If you’ve had a poor breakfast in a hotel, you should put your knife and fork down and boo.
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word ‘poo.’ You can’t beat a good poo joke.
For me, being a woman suits what I want to talk about and what my audience wants to hear. Maybe I’m a dying breed.
I admire the Elsie Tanners and Barbara Windsors of the world: people who have crawled back from the abyss. I’m quite camp in that respect.
I can eat a man, but I’m not sure of the fiber content.
I can’t stand folk who are all snobby about reality TV.
I can’t tan naturally.
I don’t do marriage. I think it’s incredibly naff. And I don’t like vulgar displays of ostentation.
I have a very solo career. I only write with people that I really adore.
I know the new comedy god is surrealism, but it doesn’t touch my heart.
I am best viewed from a distance.
Women are more emotional, and it’s natural to talk about it.
The comedy I like the best is comedy I can’t do, stuff that doesn’t touch my arena.
I’ve never been prudish.
I’m very bad at having heroes. I don’t rate anyone particularly highly because I’m so snide and competitive and not very nice.
I was trained as an actress. But I wasn’t a very convincing actress, so I started doing punk poetry and then fell into doing stand-up.
I think my siblings sometimes have to defend me within their social circles – they are both barristers.