A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, ‘Wait a minute. This apartment doesn’t have a ceiling.’ The landlord answers, ‘That’s OK. The people upstairs don’t walk around that much.’
A lot of people who claim they’re political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions.
I don’t know if I change my act from century to century. Sometimes I’m onstage doing imitations and references to people who have been dead for 50 years.
I remember being at the premiere of ‘Beverly Hills Cop II’ and the tremendous reaction from the crowd outside, then going to a party at a hotel afterwards where the speakers were blasting ‘Shakedown,’ a song from the movie. That felt like a show biz moment to me.
If they’d wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn’t have asked for me.
Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I’ve branched out.
What do Japanese Jews love to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami.
I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, ‘They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.’
Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.
Japan is really advanced. They don’t go to the beach. The beach comes to them.
I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan. I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families.
You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.
I’ve done a lot of Fox shows since then – Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.
With me, traveling for work is arriving at the airport, checking into the hotel, leaving the hotel the next morning at 4 or 5 to do something like ‘The Jimmy and Jackie Captain Crazy Morning Zoo,’ doing a bunch of those in a row, then going back to the hotel, and then finally going to the club.
My family originally lived in Brooklyn. Our first apartment was a little place above my father and uncle’s hardware store in Coney Island. Now, don’t get the impression that we were surrounded by merry-go-rounds, roller coasters and Ferris wheels. Nope, this was a little side street.
I’m one of those people, in any country I’m in, if somebody could just put me in a car or a bus, I’ll look out the window and say, ‘OK, there’s the Tower of London, there’s Buckingham Palace, there’s Big Ben,’ and if it all takes about five minutes, perfect. I’ve seen all of it and I can go home.
People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.
One pleasant surprise was when I interviewed Butch Patrick. I was expecting this bitter old drunk, and instead he had a total sense of humor about his career and his drinking and drug problem.
If someone says that I’m the best at anything, I always just agree with them. I’m certainly not gonna argue.
If you’re anything like me, I feel sorry for your friends and family.
Universal Pictures presents the Georgie Jessel Story. Ted Bessell is Georgie Jessel. Ted Bessell leads an all-star cast of Ted Bessell, Joey Bishop, Jacqueline Bisset, Whit Bissell and Joe Besser. Besser, Bissell, Bissett, Bishop and Bessell. The New York Times says, ‘Bessell is Jessel”. The Jewish Press says, ‘We like Bessell, but only a bissel.