My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I went to a tent store. “What kind of tent do you need?” “Circus.”
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...
If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.
I’ve always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That’s not a full joke there! It’s filler.
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
People who smoke cigarettes, they say “You don’t know how hard it is to quit smoking.” Yes I do. It’s as hard as it is to start flossing.
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn’t have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I’m going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, “Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!”
This one commercial said, “Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn’t know what they were!
I’m a hard act to follow, because when I’m done, I take the microphone with me.
I read that MTV’s Real World got 40,000 applications. That’s amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.
It’s hard to fight when you’re in a gazebo.
When you’re doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That’s the worst method. You’re up here, and then you see a floating candle. “Oh, no! This place is haunted!” I can’t be funny when I’m frightened.
My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name “Lynn”. My old girlfriend’s name is Lyn, too, but she spells it “Lyn”. Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend’s name, and she can tell because I don’t say “n” as long.
People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.
I like it when people come to see me again, but you end up playing to that person only. You know there’s other people out there, but you also know that the person who came to see you again is there. You’re like, “I hope he’s happy again.”
You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it’s nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy’s not being invaded. But there’s nothing like walking back into a clean room. You’ve got to remember that.
When you start out in comedy, or probably in a lot of things, you want it to happen fast. You don’t want to see yourself having to do this for seven years before you start to get some feedback.
Earlier I’ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.