I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone.

— Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

What do I care if someone doesn’t like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.

— Anthony Jeselnik

On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.

— Anthony Jeselnik

In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, “Just kidding.” I know you’re just kidding. Don’t insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.

— Anthony Jeselnik

I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke; he couldnt upset people, really.

— Anthony Jeselnik

The driving force behind doing everything that I’ve been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

— Anthony Jeselnik

My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn’t want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else’s.

— Anthony Jeselnik

Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn’t happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.

— Anthony Jeselnik

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

— Anthony Jeselnik

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

— Anthony Jeselnik

Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.

— Anthony Jeselnik

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting – they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

— Anthony Jeselnik

With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.

— Anthony Jeselnik

I don’t want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.

— Anthony Jeselnik

I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can’t think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.

— Anthony Jeselnik

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

— Anthony Jeselnik

I think some people just don’t know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn’t know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.

— Anthony Jeselnik

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I’ll think is funny.

— Anthony Jeselnik

I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.

— Anthony Jeselnik

Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it.

— Anthony Jeselnik

Tom Cruise’s pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

— Anthony Jeselnik
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