Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.
What do I care if someone doesn’t like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.
In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, “Just kidding.” I know you’re just kidding. Don’t insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke; he couldnt upset people, really.
The driving force behind doing everything that I’ve been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.
My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn’t want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else’s.
Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn’t happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.
God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.
Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.
We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting – they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.
With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.
I don’t want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.
I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can’t think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.
I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.
I think some people just don’t know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn’t know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I’ll think is funny.
I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.
Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it.
Tom Cruise’s pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.