That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older. For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time. When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That’s what the trees are all about.

— Alan King

Alan King Quotes

And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.

— Alan King

Fun

Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

— Alan King

Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn’t know fluffy. Everything sank.

— Alan King

I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.

— Alan King

As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.

— Alan King

I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.

— Alan King

I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.

— Alan King

I was a high school throw-out.

— Alan King

I won’t eat in a place that has suits of armor.

— Alan King

It’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.

— Alan King

Modesty is not one of my virtues.

— Alan King

My mother kept the house clean and we ate good. I didn’t know we were poor until I started giving interviews.

— Alan King

When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I’m going to have for dinner or I can’t get through the day.

— Alan King

The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”

— Alan King

My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.

— Alan King

Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it’s hard to turn away. Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.

— Alan King

There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor. When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’

— Alan King

There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.

— Alan King

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

— Alan King

I always plan dinner first thing in the morning. That’s the only way I can get through the day, having a specific meal to look forward to at night.

— Alan King

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