A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he’s had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They haven’t vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them now.

— Jay Leno

Jay Leno Quotes

65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women.

— Jay Leno

Do you know who will be in charge of health care? The IRS. You thought getting audited was bad? Wait until your next prostate exam.

— Jay Leno

Tonight the Republican presidential candidates had a big debate, 10 candidates. The last time that many rich white guys got together, I think Exxon merged with Mobil.

— Jay Leno

Is it me or is President Bush’s life starting to sound like a country song. He’s from Texas, his dog just died, and it looks like he might lose his job. Next thing, his truck is going to break down.

— Jay Leno

Rumors have restarted that the Republican ticket will not be Bush-Cheney. But today those rumors were put to rest when Cheney said, ‘No, I’m keeping him on the ticket.’

— Jay Leno

Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind.

— Jay Leno

Today, President Barack Obama promised to ‘detect and pursue’ American tax evaders, as opposed to his first 100 days, in which he detected and nominated American tax evaders.

— Jay Leno

Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.

— Jay Leno

Barack Obama’s mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with him. Joe Biden was right. Hostile forces will test him in the first few months.

— Jay Leno

I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama’s new slogan is ‘Spare Change You Can Believe In.’

— Jay Leno

I don’t know why it’s so hard to believe women. You to go Saudi Arabia and you need two women to testify against a man. Here you need 25.

— Jay Leno

Everyone is so concerned now where all of the candidates are born. McCain was born on a military base in Panama. Hillary was born outside Chicago, and if you believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a manger.

— Jay Leno

Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples.

— Jay Leno

Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.

— Jay Leno

Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program.

— Jay Leno

President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard his new job is going to be. Today, he said he wanted to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I think they realized actual accountability, never going to happen.

— Jay Leno

Remember when Obama was campaigning? Didn’t he say he was going to close Guantanamo Bay? Didn’t he say that? Apparently, he just meant for renovations.

— Jay Leno

Paris Hilton got 45 days in jail. A lot of people were upset about this – they were hoping for the death penalty.

— Jay Leno

Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe’s popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At this rate, he could win the nomination by the year 2032.

— Jay Leno

I was reading in the paper today that Congress wants to replace the dollar bill with a coin. They’ve already done it. It’s called a nickel.

— Jay Leno
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