Here at work, obviously, I make the most money of anyone on the show, so I try to be the first one here and the last one to leave. I have the crummiest office. I try to balance things out, spread it around.
I looked up the word POLITICS in the dictionary, and it’s actually a combination of two words: poli, which means ‘many,’ and tics, which means ‘bloodsuckers.’
65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women.
Do you know who will be in charge of health care? The IRS. You thought getting audited was bad? Wait until your next prostate exam.
Tonight the Republican presidential candidates had a big debate, 10 candidates. The last time that many rich white guys got together, I think Exxon merged with Mobil.
Is it me or is President Bush’s life starting to sound like a country song. He’s from Texas, his dog just died, and it looks like he might lose his job. Next thing, his truck is going to break down.
Rumors have restarted that the Republican ticket will not be Bush-Cheney. But today those rumors were put to rest when Cheney said, ‘No, I’m keeping him on the ticket.’
Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind.
Today, President Barack Obama promised to ‘detect and pursue’ American tax evaders, as opposed to his first 100 days, in which he detected and nominated American tax evaders.
Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.
Barack Obama’s mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with him. Joe Biden was right. Hostile forces will test him in the first few months.
I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama’s new slogan is ‘Spare Change You Can Believe In.’
I don’t know why it’s so hard to believe women. You to go Saudi Arabia and you need two women to testify against a man. Here you need 25.
Everyone is so concerned now where all of the candidates are born. McCain was born on a military base in Panama. Hillary was born outside Chicago, and if you believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a manger.
Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples.
Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.
Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program.
President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard his new job is going to be. Today, he said he wanted to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I think they realized actual accountability, never going to happen.
Remember when Obama was campaigning? Didn’t he say he was going to close Guantanamo Bay? Didn’t he say that? Apparently, he just meant for renovations.
Paris Hilton got 45 days in jail. A lot of people were upset about this – they were hoping for the death penalty.
Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe’s popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At this rate, he could win the nomination by the year 2032.