When there’s someone who’s dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don’t understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?

— Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin Quotes

I think it’s interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.

— Demetri Martin

I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It’s so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I’m like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I’m like the cake streak is over...

— Demetri Martin

My policy is no stone throwing regardless of housing situation.

— Demetri Martin

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

— Demetri Martin

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

— Demetri Martin

There’s a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, ‘Futon World.’ Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

— Demetri Martin

A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a little sign that says ‘Hey, let’s never hang out.’

— Demetri Martin

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

— Demetri Martin

I’m always excited to try something I haven’t done.

— Demetri Martin

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

— Demetri Martin

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

— Demetri Martin

I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.

— Demetri Martin

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

— Demetri Martin

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

— Demetri Martin

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I’d come home and go to church and everybody would say, ‘Oh, my God. Demetri, you’re working at the White House.’

— Demetri Martin

But long story short, I didn’t start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

— Demetri Martin

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

— Demetri Martin

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

— Demetri Martin

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

— Demetri Martin

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

— Demetri Martin
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